The following is an excerpt from OpinionJournal.com’s “Best of the Web” written by the editor, James Taranto.
Bottom Stories of the Day
- “Florida City Council Votes to Get iPads”–headline, United Press International, April 23
- “Local Parents Set World Record Changing Diapers”–headline, San Antonio Express-News website, April 24
- “Prince William and Kate Middleton’s Much-Anticipated Royal Wedding Won’t Be Watched by Helen Mirren”–headline, Daily News (New York), April 25
- “Giffords Intern Loses Student-Government Election”–headline, Associated Press, April 23
Splashes to Splashes
This Associated Press dispatch from Tacoma, Wash., cracked us up:
A Tacoma bar has canceled its goldfish races after complaints from animal rights activists.
Every Tuesday night the Harmon Tap Room would feature races in which cheap feeder fish from a pet store were “raced” down two 8-foot troughs. Racers guided the fish with squirt bottles.
Bartender Joel Cummings told KIRO-FM the fish were cared for when they weren’t racing but occasionally they would pass away.
“Animal rights” is an old joke and a tiresome one, but you’ve got to love the statement that goldfish “pass away.” Since when do we use euphemisms to describe the accidental death of a fish? True, people sometimes refer to putting pets “to sleep,” but you can see why that might be preferable, say, to telling a 5-year-old: “We’re taking Fluffy to the vet so he can kill her.”
Of all euphemisms, “pass away” has got to be one of the feeblest. If we must be delicate, why not at least show a little wit? The fish was accidentally liquidated. It’s gone to the great fishbowl up in the sky. It’s breathed its first. It’s cashed in its chips. It sleeps with Luca Brasi.
And here’s a brand new circumlocution, specifically for former creatures of the piscine persuasion: That’s one fish that’s finished with school!
For more “Best of the Web” click here and look for thef “Best of the Web Today” link in the middle column below “Today’s Columnists.”
