The following is an excerpt from OpinionJournal.com’s “Best of the Web” written by the editor, James Taranto.

What Would We Do Without Experts? 
“Expert: Malfunction Caused Outage”–headline, Associated Press, March 21

Hey, Kids! What Time Is It?
“Time to Banish Perpetually Offended Elements in Society”–headline, Belfast Telegraph, March 21

Question and Answer–II 
“WhyLeaveAstoria.com Founder Leaves Astoria”–headline, Daily News (New York), March 21

News of the Oxymoronic 
“Ashton Kutcher: People Underestimate My Intellect”–headline, Yahoo! TV, March 22

The Police Advised Her of Her Right to Remain Silent 
“UGA Student Assaulted by Woman Dressed Like Mime”–headline, Athens (Ga.) Banner-Herald, March 21

Who Squealed? 
“New Yorkers Boldly Flout Law to Keep Pigs”–headline, Associated Press, March 22

Who’ll Check the Checkers? 
The “assault weapons” ban having failed, antigun Democrats are still hoping to enact legislation requiring all gun purchasers to pass a background check. Currently, federally licensed dealers are required to check prospective purchasers, but individuals selling guns privately have no such burden.

“There’s no coherent policy argument against expanding background checks,” argues Washington Post blogger Greg Sargent. “That’s why opponents continually resort to the false claim that expanding background checks will create a ‘national gun registry,’ when the law explicitly prohibits that outcome.”

What about privacy? Currently access to the FBI’s background check system is limited to licensed firearms dealers, who have an incentive not to abuse it lest they lose their license. If it’s opened up to all prospective sellers of guns–that is, to everybody–what’s to prevent someone from abusing it, say by requesting a background check on Greg Sargent, who presumably has no interest in acquiring a gun?

The system only gives a yes-or-no answer as to whether the putative buyer is eligible to own firearms under federal law. But if you’re looking to dig up dirt on someone, a “no” answer on a firearms background check would give you a nice clump of it.

For more “Best of the Web” click here and look for the “Best of the Web Today” link in the middle column below “Today’s Columnists.